Dinner with the boys

Having dinner with the boys, the gay men in my life, is always a very interesting event. This past week we all got together for a birthday to have mexican and margs. There was at least 25 of us and the conversians that went on could write a book. Everyone with the exception of myself and the other two ladies at the table were all on grinder, and if the cell phone wasnt enough the ipad was actually brought out during dinner for better viewing of des moines finest gay profiles. The night was full of conversation surrounding the following topics but not limited to...... hookups, work, double penitration, drag queens, drunk driving, whips, music, drugs, grinder, parties, photoshoots, models, the bar, and the crazy stalkers from the bar. I love my friends more then anything, this group was just a portion of everyone that i call my family.

review: out of control, the nightmare

So much of nothing is going on in my world right now. I chuckle because that is all I can do, laugh as i try and understand that there is nothing to understand. The truth of my current situation is that Im waiting on answers.

The Nightmare:   The magical life I used to have was slowly slipping away, I was constantly playing tug a war with an army of men and anyone that knows me can say that Im not a strong person in all aspects at all.....That is on my top of a long list of personal traits I hate. This whole time I hated pulling on the end of the rope, my body aching and never able to get an inch closer to the happiness, love and safety on the other end. I was always fighting with myself and about to give up, constantly thinking of how I have taken for granted the little things that made me feel alive and lucky. Now I im on my back, in the mud and down for the count on this round.

This may not have been a dream but a reflection with a window into the future of destruction.

Just a game of shoots and Ladders

A few months ago I was beginning to see that I was losing my gasp on the personal events in my life. It was slight and I had a brief moment of doubt where I knew if I didn't do anything that I would crash. Surprise I some how gained focused and began to be more in control then I have ever felt with work, my finances, friends and family. I was making and climbing my own steps and felt more clear with each one accomplished. Now things have become harder in just three weeks I feel like its now a game of Shoots and Ladders and I'm waiting for the next contestant to take there turn and see if I can over come the obstacle or slide back further then I started. And When did climbing a ladder become the fun part? I wanna be a child again when I loved sliding down the slide and that's what made the climb so much easier was the freedom and fun you got to have when we were out of speeding out of control. Hitting the bottom wasn't so bad either, it was safe and secure. Now I have never played the real shoots and ladders but  I'm hoping its a lot more fun then the board I'm on,  Maybe I'm just being a sore loser because I'm new at this game and I should just get over it and learn to enjoy the opportunity's that bring me ladders to climb, it is life after all.

what you didnt know

Who I am in all complete randomness being true to my own thought process :)

• Im stealing the creativeness of this post from Cain Petit, and I wouldnt have posted it with out his push to tell eveyone what am all about.
• Im very good at meeting new people even without trying
• If i was skinny I would be a stripper
• im afriad of forgetting memories
• I like to play in the rain
• I have dreams so high up in the sky i may need to invest in a rocket to acheive them
• sometimes i need to be reminded to breath
• I love to feel the air, if its hot and 102 degrees out side I will turn on the air conditioning and open the sun roof, in the winter I do the same with the heat and windows.
• My heart is still broken from losing B.O.B and the memorie of everything is still so vivid sometimes I cant breath and I still have nigthmares
• I like all music no judgment, But I LOVE no name artists with great lyrics and nice beat 
• I have a fashion forward outlook but sometimes my confidence gets the best of me
• I love new opprotunities
• I have never been on a plane
• sometimes all i need is some alone time to clean and clear my head
• Jaz music soothes me
• I love to watch series of tv shows
• I like to learn new things
• Im scared of love
• If I was butter, Id think I would be the stick kind. You can use me to do anything.
• Im extremly proud of all my friends for being honest with themselfs and for loving and living their life and for going for the dreams they have always had
• Im a horrible speller for myself but have no problem spelling for other people
• I like getting to know people, if I could I would live a day in their shoes.
• Nothing better then a smile
• Nothing worse then a tear of sadness
• sometimes i get so scared
• I remeber........
• I miss my friends that have moved
• I hang out with alot of gays ........some say im a collector jk
• I hate the term "fag hag" Im not an item but a person that has great friends that may or maynot be gay
• I try to leave for the now but find myself living in the past and the future
• I love the art of dance
• I used to sing in vocal competitions....and WIN!
• Im in debit and trying to work my way out of it, little at a time
• alot of people think my parents are divorced by how I referance my mom, but they are still together
• I love my brother we are so alike its crazy
• I want to be a photographer
• pandora is amazing
• I want to learn more about investments
• I wish i didnt hate the taste of fish
• My family goes beyound the normal def of blood

and DOWN she goes :)

 Committed to great photography! yes all my friends will tell you that I love capturing that special moment with my blinding flash.  Monday night I took extreme photography to a whole other level as I took a challenge and crashed.

Monday was my first day back from Vacation and also one of those days at work so Kenny and I decided that we were going on the river walk downtown Des Moines to enjoy the nice spring weather and takes pictures of the new bridge work that has been done. I was in the moment I felt at peace and I could see the skyline lit up between the arc of the bridge but as always my short legs got in the way of getting that "picture perfect moment" so up I went. I thought that If I could just get on this big rock I would have it! with a good run and a jump I was there......and then I wasn't....CRASH, and then CRACK! Yep I was on the ground after a hard fall off the rock and onto another and then I'm guessing a roll to the ground. I laughed, I was completely embarrassed and not sure if I was going to cry for the pain and fear of almost dying.

I may have not gotten the Picture that I paid for but I learned a lesson and currently on my way with a new fashion statement, the left arm sling.  A broken rib and fractured shoulder later im still here providing moments of failure and lots of laughs to my friends.
Here are the few (unedited) pictures I did get, sorry they are a little blurry I was still in shock and pain lol

A super GAY surprise!!

Gay, definition of happiness and joy or most commonly used as a description of homosexuality. This past weekend I experienced a surprised filled with both homos and happiness. As much as I love my friends that live in Des Moines I have the same love for my friends in Chicago and with our crazy lives its so hard to see and talk to them. Well after a very challenging work week my presents was requested to go out on an "old times" bar crawl. My friend Kyle put together a night starting at my place getting ready and pre gamming with wine....LOTS OF WINE! The night started with my roommate Dusty and I, our friend Craig, Kyle and his Boyfriend Kyle. We started our night with 4 bottles of wine and some good story telling getting caught up on each others lives, the usual drama, work, sex, ect and then off and running we went to one of the local gay bars Le Boi Bar. It was a blast I was getting so Drunk having a great time seeing my friends when suddenly I saw this amazing smile but unfamiliar "Des Moines" face. Doug, Bobby and Chris drove to Des Moines for a quick weekend getaway!! I was shocked and a little rude at first as i have uncontrollable emotions and I wasn't sure If this was real or If i was so drunk I was dreaming. All in All I got over it and I was so happy to see everyone together and alot of my other friends were out, from there it was all SHOTS!

Saturday night was so much fun,it had some moments but In all for me it was a blast. When I woke up the next morning I was a mess I sat in the shower for 30 mins, when I herd my phone go off I knew it was game time I had a text that the boys were ready for round two. Off and running I went to chug some water, get dusty up, down the aspirin(again) and put on my big girl pants for SUNDAY FUNDAY!

Sunday was a BLAST! WE had lunch downtown and then off to the Saddle to be over served by stinky. The saddle is always an interesting place esp on Sunday, we were all drunk dancing and yelling obscenities and all the old gay men stare in lust of wanting to cop a feel. After the Saddle headed to the Garden's teen show and had more drinks and SHOTS and at this point everyone is crossing the border from drunk to wasted and then on to Le Boi to finish the night. During our dance party at Le Boi i had a lil run in as one of our drunk party members took a dive backwards outside onto the cement while waiting for a cab. Busted his head open and it was all down hill from there, convulsions and the works until the hot paramedics showed up to take him to the hospital. After I got cleaned up I was alil shake in by the cold and the events that had just happened but like I have always said I have the most amazing friends who warmed me up with SHOTS! and then I ended the night on the couch with a headache drunk and pre good bye tears.

Monday 6 am.... only had 3 hours of sleep, tired and not wanting to go to work had to wake Doug up to go get his rental car and say good bye. I'm terrible at goodbyes esp with those I love it hits me hard and so as he drove back to my place to get some sleep before the boys leave I made my trek into work only to have a half my tissues gone and puddle tears on my desk. This weekend was amazing and I still cant believe that I got the best surprise ever! It was amazing and much needed and I haven't been that happy in while!

If your gonna demand a dollar...

If your gonna demand a dollar then you better show some respect. I have never felt this way or have thought of tipping a performer as a demand or payment for entertainment until Wednesday when my friends and I went to Ames to have some fun and support our friends who were performing in the local drag show. I understand that being a drag queen is a very expensive activity that requires lots of talent, confidence and more money that I can imagine! I have lots of friends who participate in the art of female and male impersonation and they are all so very good at what they do, they are humble and gracious for the support the community gives whether its through kind words, tips or just giving them your complete attention during a performance, Those are my friends and then there are others..... 

 The drag show was a mixed crowd full of college students, friends and family of performers, straight and gay audience members from all over Iowa just excited to have a good time. As supporters its a common practice to tip the drag queen or king when you like the way they look, the hair and makeup and outfit or if you like the song or if they are working real hard during a dance number ect. Last week one of the performers whos name wont be mentioned posted a list on facebook, the list was her top five people that she didnt like. My first thought when I saw this list was what kind of person posts a list like this, and then when i saw that half the list was people that were my friends, and people who have always lended a hand and worked so hard in there life I was sad and disappointed. This particular person who posted the list is not someone im friends with or that I see on a regular basis and I have my own reasoning for that, I just don't like the way they treat other people and as if i didn't think she was disrespectful before the recent events I sure do now.  Because of the list that was posted a lot of people were upset and hurt and when this drag queen came up on stage and performed she didn't make as many tips as she used to and she made a point to put blame on "us Des Moines" group of friends. Now this i believe is unfair, first off yes I was not happy with her as a person but not much improved as a performer she was the same person with too much makeup on, spandex and some glitter. After her first performance comments were made that she didn't get tips from us an drama drama drama started. This to me is demanding a dollar and she had no right to even expect anything from anyone. Now this may seem a little harsh but i have watched, tipped and never said anything about this performer for two years and I have to put in my two cents and just say that all the money i brought to tip was intended to go to performers doing a great job who deserved it. It may be a dollar but we all know that a dollar goes along ways and as much as it looked like she needed the money to clean up her act im sure it would have only been spent on fast food and trade.

*Disclaimer:  For the record, the "Des Moines group" in an extremely open community. We love to support people in the arts from all over the state. Many performers from Iowa City, Cedar Rapids, Ames, and even Omaha are welcomed with open arms and treated with the respect that they deserve. Those who were not, clearly didnt diserve it.

Death be to ranch and french fries

Here lies my favorite dressing and dipping sauce, Ranch buried here next to her mother, my favorite potato french fries. It was a sad yet happy day as my friend Michael and I kicked off our first day of giving up ranch dressing and french fries. This is a 30 challenge that we are doing for fun and of course it wouldn't hurt our health at all. It may seem stupid but i think the ranch will be the hardest thing to give up. Now what will I put on my salad was my first thought and then came my second thought, what will i dip my fries in! I laughed as i realized that I had completely forgot about giving up the french fries because i was worried about what i was going to do with out ranch! I very excited for our new little adventure, I lovE challenges and it will be a fun competition to see how well we both do.

As I was doing so well with the day. Ranch and french fries were not an option not even a thought I receive a bbm from michael and it read "No Fries Day One- as I left my apartment I new quitting cold turkey would have psychological effects on me but I didn't think it would fully alter me this soon. On the way to work, as I pass the golden arches, the mecca of the greatest fries, that is McDonald's, I imagined the hot tingle of the crispy fry as I place it on my tounge, I could feel the joy I used to know every time I saw the large container, hoping every time the workers overflowed the box so I always had that extra surprise of sweet fries at the bottom of my bag. I couldn't resist the urge to go through thru drive thru, my heart racing as a line of ten cars behind me honk their horns and the intercom repeating its robotic sales pitch 'would you like to try our new angus burger, how may I help you' I snapped back to reality, drove off, the smell of grease and potatoes filled my car from the restaurant, the scent overtook my senses....I crashed into a snow bank.....(Story by Michael K, coming soon to a barnes and noble near you)" obviously he was just kidding but the story was a great use of imagination and I give him props, we are gonna need it to get through the first 30 day challenge.

laundrymat=BLISS!

When I got off work today I came home to piles of laundry in my room. I had been putting off my laundry all weekend indecisive as to where I was going to do my chore, at my moms it would be free but takes forever to do the amount I needed to do. I could do it in the community laundry room at my apartment complex but that would also be a long enduring task that would cost about five dollars a load at five loads not to mention fighting with the eleven other tenets not my cup of tea. So here I am at the laundry mat have five loads spinning in the dryer and the total wallet damage adding up to eight dollars! Now many of the family's around me always stare when I come to this particular heaven of a laundry mat, they can tell I'm not from this side of town. This is the only place where I, a white,single female, is the minority. I'm a west side girl who drive 15-20 mins across town to the south east side to do her laundry. Yes surprising they do have laundry ma mats on "my side" of town but they arnt nearly as fancy or as cheap. I have found the only place that has cheap brand new machines, never busy, they serve food, a mini arcade and kids place center, there are flat screen tvs with cable and free internet! I can't forget to mention the nicest staff who are always cleaning and opening the door helping people fold laundry and the owner who always pops his head in offers free donuts and pizza on the weekends. I do believe that I'm correct in saying this is bliss for anyone who doesn't have a washer and dryer in their home! I find the drive peaceful as I plug in my Ipod and take in the sights as I journey over to the Express Coin Laundry.

Now about the family's.
I'm a people watcher I love to see how people live their life and I take interest in how the children are behaved. I currently see a mexican mother who has ten children, one of them obviously has downs. She is a little sweet lady who has clearly raised her children right from what I can observe. The three older children, two girls one boy help her load the entire row of big five load washers while her two middle daughters unload the groceries bags full of lunch sandwiches, chips,juice boxes,cookies, and pop. The rest of the children play quietly in the kids corner watching tv. Once in while you'll hear a shot out from one of the children mad at the other and an older member comes running to handle the situation. when they are done the father of the family shows up in his dirty work clothes and loads All the laundry up while the family cleans up any mess they have made. This family amazes me with how kind and how good they work as a team. I see them every time I do laundry and hope that one day I can have a family 1\5 the size of theirs that will work so closely together in times of need.

Then there is the stereotypical "white trash" family. I don't feel bad about this label because if you are going to act the way I'm about to describe then we must be put in your own category of people, there is no excuse. This trashy family is a mother who seems quiet she does all the work loading the washers and dryers, folding the laundry tending to the children, she hardly speaks. The father automatically gets his free cup of coffee,asks if there will be any free pizza and plops down on the couch and demands that the tv channel be changed to the local news. The children run lose as if this is there first time in an amusement park, tearing through the toys screaming and begging for attention from their father. The mother gently approaches them to calm down and catches the fathers attention. Then comes the yelling, father yells at children, mother yells at children, father yells at mother as she walks away to check on the laundy and tells her to check. On the "dame laundry, I ain't going to be here all fucking
night". Luckily enough I have only run into this problem twice being disturbed by another family. Sometimes you got to take a chance when you want luxury. I kinda chuckle because it sound funny to put luxury and laundry in the same sentence but hey when you don't have the opportunity to do your laundry in your own home this is the next best thing. Express Coin Laundry.....I heart you and your amenities!

Stright girl in a gay mans world part 1

m In the beginning.

I started to go to the gay bars when I was 18. I was terrified not knowing what to expect and what people would think of me being straight and the fact that most of the time we were sneaking in the back doors  or using fake ids. When i look back to my first time going, its almost a snowball effect on how i became so involved in a lifestyle that wasn't my own. I went with my gay friend Cody who had just recently moved to Des Moines, I wanted him to meet new people and for him to meet more gay men so we went to the Garden night club, from that very first night we both met so many new people and then we met their friends and then they met my friends and it became this whole huge group that now is the main community in Des Moines. I say that i got caught up in a life style that wasn't mine bc I'm not gay I'm straight but i was learning all about being gay and going only to gay bars bc it was the only place we knew how to get into.  I had my entire week planned around going to the bar, the gay bars. I had  friends  from different cities and backgrounds and we would  go out and get drunk every night at  the Garden, Saddle, and at the time the Frat House. We went to every drag show there was, all the bar competitions, pride events etc.

It all hit me when i started to get my credit card statement's showing the bills i was paying just so i can have more cash to go out with and being so exhausted that i was sleeping on my lunches at work and taking naps after work before going out. My apartment was becoming a halfway house for friends who didn't have a place to stay and i was just starting to feel used. I relized that my life and current relationships revolve around a substance and I had to start rethinking my life and who was a real friend and who was just another member of the crowd. I found myself leaning many life lessons and weeding through who was really there for me as a person or for drugs and alcohol. I had to lose a lot of friends and it was hard at first but i also made room more great people and for the last 3 years i have been with the best group of friends learning new things, going on trips, and experieancing life together and as we Spend every day with each other our friendships grew into something more......we became this huge protective family and I wouldn't take back a day of it.

Now when I go to the gay bars, I dont refer to them as "gay bars" and I go for myself and my friends, its more then going out to get drunk and having a good time its about being together and making more memories, meeting the latest boyfriend/girlfriend, celebrating success, or being there to take away the sorrow and just hanging out and doing what we do best just being ourselves and enjoying each other and then of coarse the whole getting drunk and having a good time. I know all my friends family, where they live, work, and we don't just hang out at the bar we can have a great time just watching movies together at home or going out for dinner. It amazes me to think about the past five years from how life is today and how it was when i first met my best friends. Everyone has a spot in my heart that goes so deep and I love each and everyone of my friends for there own individual personality's. What used to be friends at a bar have become my family and the foundation that i stand on.

Cheers to a new start!

Blogging.... I never really understood why people spent all there time on thoughts and ideas only to post them publicly online for no one to hear. It wasn't till recently out of boredom I decided to put my self in a deep coma like depression and wonder through the lives of high school classmates on facebook. Of course jealousy always an issue and then followed by the never ending thoughts of "what if". During my journey back through a time I saw a post from a blog of someone i never got to know, she had just moved and was posting her new life out there for who ever to read and to respond. I started to read and realized that i had been wrong all along, I was always constantly fighting to get herd only to be talked over and that i needed to take my friends advise and speak my mind and this is my first step in doing so. 

The one thing more then anything that I hope to get out of this experience is to learn who I am as a person. i have always been to concerned with my friends and coworkers and how fascinating others lives are that i don't even know who i am and I just want to be me and comfortable with myself.  I was constantly settling for what other people wanted out of me and what they wanted to do, and now iv realized that as most people see me as young at 23 I'm counting the years that i have lost and how action must be taken now to gain control over my own life.